Part 2: Defending the spoils of war.

Over the hill they came.... There where crack addicted crocodiles, Pot smoking platypus, and heroin shooting herons... It was like the Bronx meets the discovery channel, and my men were quaking in their boots.

"TO ME MEN!" I cried as i quickly lowered the portcullis and rang the alarm bell. My infantry assembled on the walls, the best of the marksmen where climbing to the watchtowers when the first rock hit them. The damage was devastating, "OMG! OUR TOWERS ARE ONLY LEVEL 4 NOW!" one disheartened citizen militia cried. "STFU" i replied. "those noobs have no rams it doesnt matter."

The crack feinding crocodiles clashed against our walls while arrows rained down upon them. However there were little tick birds swarming around them knocking our shafts aside... They must have gotten a taste of crack as well inbetween bites of booger. It was the only way physically possible, their energy and speed was amazing. I had no idea that crack could make an animal more intelligent, but when i saw those Crocs dragging ladders towards our walls i knew that we were in trouble...

The platypuses where manning the trebuchets, in between their hoots they were loading rocks and sketching angles for the next launch. I thought that only owls and hippies hooted, but clearly i was wrong. A rock came crashing into the barracks causing my troops in training much distraction, It would take extra 4 minutes before i receive another infantry soldier ready for combat... god damn the ADD kids seem to have these days.

The herons grabbed ahold of the top end of the ladders the crocodiles had hauled out there. They were desperate for their next fix and it seems they would do anything... I slashed right and thrust left. killing two birds in a matter of seconds. There were many more where that came from and it seemed to not even put a dent in their numbers. The first ladders were up and the crocs had managed to get get onto the wall. I grabbed a pitchfork from a fallen Citizen Militia and sheathed my sword, it would do little good against the foe i was facing. If only the RoE team had thought to equip infantry with spears. I suppose crack fiending crocodiles were not on their list of possible assailants.

My men where being crunched and swallowed, I could only be in one place at a time so there was little i could do to stop the slaughter. I stabbed and thrust, poking left and right with my pilfered pitchfork, the crocs feared me. I could see it in their eyes, but desperate animals do desperate things. And these crocodiles wanted some mofkn crack. I killed with no mercy or remorse, slaying them like the animals they were. Soon the numbers thinned out and I could see that I was the last man standing on the wall. With a cry of pure bone chilling rage I threw myself upon the drug addicted culprits with renewed fury. My fallen comrades where the only thing on my mind as i battled these fell ferocious beasts.

My bloodlust did not fade until every enemy was cleansed from my fort, I put my back against the battlements and let out a deep sight of relief. A tear ran down my eye as i reflected back on all the brave men that had fought beside me and died in defense of my castle. This was only the first wave I knew, and by myself a victory was next to impossible when the enemy returned with their governors.

I heard a shrill cry at the foot of the wall from inside the fortress. I looked down to see a speed eating spider monkey spy whiz past my face and down the other side of the wall. He was very fast and hard to spot as he raced across the stream in front of my fortress, but i saw him stop to converse before the enemies command tent to report. Soon after they were dismantling the tents and retreating.

To this day i still do not know why they gave up so easily, I can only assume that the spy found there to be no drugs in my castle and they were off to find another target with what they desired inside. They should have spied before they attacked me, but i suppose i already knew they were noobs when i noticed the lack of rams in their clearing force...
http://www.realmofempires.com/

eckart tolle

Part 1: Battling a Methcrazed sloth

I was riding my horse through the forest when i crested a small hill and saw this sloth. So i looked him in the eye, and i noticed his pupils were all messed up and he had scabs on his face and shit... I was all like WTF man this sloth is on meth! So i dismounted and drew my sword advancing slowly knowing that it was going to be a tough fight...

I thrust at him with my sword but he parried with a long grimy claw and then scratched my face with his other arm, luckily i moved my head last minute so the damage wasn't to devastating. I countered quickly with an armored boot to his sloth testicles and stunned him, but he wasn't stunned very long since he was all crazy and shit and on meth. He then tackled me a few seconds latter while i was recovering my balance, and ripped me to the ground with amazing sloth strength.

We tumbled and tossed for a few minutes, neither of us gaining the upper hand, I was greatly encumbered by my full suit of armor, and he seemed to have lost his slothlike speed... it must have been the meth! Either way it was an even fight. We rolled into a stream at the foot of the hill, i was in my armor so i started to sink immediately, i clutched onto him pulling him into the fast moving depths of the swirling stream... Fortunately for me sloths hate water, and while he struggled to brake loose my right arm was free to reach for the dagger every self respecting Knight keeps in his boot. I unsheathed it quickly and slit his furry drug addicted throat with no hesitation or mercy.

As i pulled myself out of the water i noticed for the first time a large castle a few hundred yards away, The King of this realm appeared to have left it undefended except for this silly sloth i had just bested in one on one combat! I quickly moved in, made myself comfortable, and started recruiting a garrison.
http://www.realmofempires.com/